I wrote this years ago and I’m just now brave enough to share it. It’s about the worst thing that ever happened to me.

“You think it’s great,
This state you’re in.
You have it under control,
Oh, it’s no sin.

You’re in charge.
No, not them.
You can leave whenever you want,
No one can tell you when.

That boy you “love”,
That you think can’t be replaced,
He only loves you back
By getting in your space.

At first you think he’s perfect,
He’s as sweet as can be.
But you’re blind to the facts
That you don’t want to see.

He wants what you have,
Not what you are.
You never thought,
He would take you this far.

You’re too far gone,
That’s what you feel.
But God has a way of letting wounds heal.

You will find true love.
You’ll get what you deserve.
You can move on,
he’s no king for you to serve.

This true love you’re after,
It can be found.
But only until,
Your feet are on the ground.

Realize it’s not just,
Some wonderful thing.
It’ll change you and rob you,
And only cause pain.

God has a plan,
It didnt involve him.
Your true love will come,
And your heart, he will win.

I’m precious,
I’m worthy,
Not because of me.
But because God loved me enough
To die on a tree.

He gave me a love,
I could’ve never dreamed
He gave me a man,
Who treats me like his queen.

I hope that you’re happy,
And I hope that you see,
That despite what you did,
You can’t break me.”

Anxiety…

Big word. It seems to affect people, in some ways differently, and in some ways the same. You can’t always see it from the outside. Its vicious though. It can take control of your life if you let it and it does want to. It can creep in from out of nowhere and leave you feeling helpless. And it can happen for a number of reasons. I’ve struggled with it for years now and it’s a hard thing to deal with. For me, it makes me feel out of control, it makes me feel shaky and tingly, it makes me feel nervous like something bad is going to happen, it makes me too sensitive to even brush my hair without it hurting, it makes me feel like I’m failing at everything I’m doing, it makes me feel low, if I hear a knock at the door my heart sinks and I feel nervous, it makes me feel like I’m letting my husband down as his wife because certain things i just can’t bring myself to do, it makes me feel like I’m letting my babies down because some days I’m just not much fun, at night it makes me think of everything I did and everything I could’ve done throughout the day, it makes it hard on my husband to go to work everyday because there are days I just beg him to stay home with me because he makes me feel safe. It can do so much harm that sometimes I forget that I can have comfort in Jesus. He is the ultimate comforter. If you struggle with anxiety, you can always talk to me about it. I’m here and I get it.

Every day, everywhere we go, we hear voices. Voices of your kids, parents, husband, voices of people at the grocery store,.. voices are everywhere. We usually don’t think anything about these “voices”. We respond to them and go on. But each voice you hear has an impact on your day. It could be your husband letting you know he has to work over, or your kids asking for a snack, or even a conversation between strangers that you overheard in the store. You hear so many things throughout your day and usually let them guide our emotions. If we aren’t careful we will let others determine our mood/how our day goes. We let random voices impact us but not the only voice that should. God’s voice isn’t like you’re toddlers voice. It’s soft and it wants to be heard. If you aren’t careful you’ll miss what He has to say to you by letting others talk over Him. He doesn’t force us to listen. He wants us to WANT to hear His sweet voice. He has a special message for you every morning, comfort and guidance through your day, and peace for your mind at night. But you have to listen for it… quiet your mind of all of the voices you’ve heard and listen for the One who wants you to hear.

So, this might be a depressing start to this blog, but this is what it’s for. To get things out of my head and maybe help someone going through the same thing. Why is life so hard? Why does it feel like I can do nothing right. Just when I feel like I’m getting to the shore, the current carries me back out to sea. I just want peace. I want to be completely comfortable with who I am. The anxiety, depression, PTSD, tiredness of motherhood, the mom bod, all of it. All of “it” is who I am. Yet.. I hate it. I want to feel normal. But the more I try, the farther away from “normal” I get. Life is for living and I feel like I’ve missed that. The things I’ve been through in my life have made me this way and I’ve survived. But I want to do more than survive. Maybe you can go with me and we’ll learn to live again, together.

My name is Hannah Mays, I’m 23, married to the love of my life. We have 2 babies. A 1 year old girl who has a gift with people, she can light up any room and doesnt know a stranger, and a 5 month old baby boy who is the complete opposite of his sissy and would rather chill with mommy all day. I’ll be blogging about motherhood, marriage, Jesus, and my daily struggle with anxiety. Thanks for reading.

“Even when the storm rocks hard against the boat, the it be His deeply rooted love for you that reminds you in the depths of your soul no matter what happens, you will be okay, for He will be with you, wave after wave.”

— Morgan Harper Nichols